Random to Revelation

11:14pm. ..
Been up since 5:30, but somehow feel...hmm..what is it...? Tired but not sleepy..full of questions, but at the same time feeling sure of something..

I don't expect anyone to care about this...I can hardly write for an audience, so I just write to clear my own thoughts..kind of like I used to do in my journal..only with a touch of propriety, knowing that someone may read.

I don't get teenagers. I always thought I would. I thought I'd be a good parent of teenagers because I wasn't a good mother of little children..now my little one is the easy one, and my big ones are complicated as a frickin' Rubik's cube..and there's no YouTube video to give me the answers..On one hand, I know they're just trying to become their own person. But on the other...well, do I have to take the disrespect and rudeness? I keep trying to figure out how to establish consequences that will teach a certain lesson or foster a moral foundation for them to base life's decisions on. But I seem to be failing..

In a way, I have to leave the real growth to the Lord..but when do I know that I've done my best and it's time to leave the result between them and God..? It seems like, when I've done what I know to do, I always could do a little more...

I was convicted in church today. I love when that happens. Not because I like pain..well, just as I write that it's coming to me that I might actually thrive on pain. We'll come back to that. I like when that happens because I know I need work..and if the preacher never speaks a word that challenges me to search areas of my life that need repentance, then he can't be preaching the Word of God. I have to trust that God's wisdom is so infinitely beyond my own that I will never cease to need improvement and repentance as long as I live. I will always need to rely on Jesus and His Blood and will never be so mature in faith that I find no more reason to fall before His feet in repentance (hopefully not for the same sin over and over). So when my pastor speaks a word that exposes sin in my life, and when I can hear his heartfelt compassion and love, even as he speaks a hard word..I like it. I know it's good. It brings cleansing and growth..both very necessary and good..so..

Back to the thriving on pain thing..I've always wondered why I'm a tormented soul..I always wish I could live a life of peace and happiness, like many people seem to. They have energy, they go out for coffee with their girlfriends, they go for pedicures (which I've just done for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago), they go to lunch, shopping, to the park, hiking, running, working out, dates with their husbands (who look at them like they are the most precious gift God ever could have placed in their sight)...on and on I could go. But--and here's where the big "B" word comes in--BUT..I, just this moment, see a pattern..a trend. I can remember no point in my life that I wasn't in deep emotional pain. I have flashes, glimpses of happiness..moments here and there when I had fun as a child or felt the glow of new motherhood. (if any one's reading this, please, PLEASE understand that I'm having a revelation and NOT a pity party!) Do I feel guilty to be happy? When there's so much wretchedness in this world, am I just too guilty to allow myself to experience real and lasting peace? Do I find ways to wound myself emotionally so that I'll never be too carefree to empathize with the ones who are broken and hurting..?

I believe this is true.

And beyond that, I may add another dimension. I learned something a while back about associations..like we have this internal guage or scale or compass, and every single thing that we experience must be processed through that guage. So, a pessimist will take a story and bring out the worst in it..an optimist, the best..maybe a compassionate person will describe how the characters 'feel'..and hear me out for a second..what if, as a small child, I did experience some sadness, fear, and emotional pain? And what if that pain became the guage by which all of my life experiences were processed? Possibly, everything was weighed on a scale that marked it on a subconscious 'pain meter'...Call me crazy, but I do believe I have something here. (or call me stupid because I'm just now 'getting' this..either way I'm getting this!) Maybe..somewhere along the way I got stuck..stuck in a place where "if it doesn't hurt, it isn't real"..

Oh GOD! I believe You've given me something! Now what to do..? Pray..because You will complete the work..Thank You, sweet Jesus..You are better than life!

Another Face of Pride

So another day, another lesson..

Why do we feel the need to bash on others..? Other churches, other Christians, other drivers, other artists, other moms..

I recently left the church I'd attended faithfully, rarely missing a week, for about a decade..and when I left, I felt like I should rub it in the faces of the ones who stayed..how much their church sucks and how much my new one didn't..

This moment, I look back at that with a heavy heart..so that church was no longer right for me (us, Troy and I were in agreement)..so what? Why did I feel I needed to show off my "better-ness" when I left, as though the people who didn't leave were somehow inferior because they stayed..?

This moment, I repent..I will not cut others down because they aren't doing what I'm doing. Instead, I will pray for them, and I hope that as they move forward in their church, life, ministry, art, or parenting it will be productive and fruitful and glorifying to God..even though it's different from what I'm doing or how I'm doing it. If they're different than me, that doesn't make them wrong..and heaven forbid they should all come following me! I'd be repulsed by that! Whatever draws us to think we're somehow superior to others..(that would be pride!)..is not from God..

God, forgive me for the evil that is in my soul! Remove from me all that is not glorifying to You! Cleanse my conscience and make me right before Your holiness..cover me with Your blood and forgive my sin. Make me to walk in Your way and seek after Your heart..Amen!

Abnormal.

Once again, the message in Bible study spoke to me in a place where I had no idea I needed conviction and healing..

Beth explained that some of us are so afraid of being mediocre..so afraid of being normal, that we'd rather be abnormal.

Chew on that for just a minute..do I so fear a life sentence of normalcy or mediocrity that I will become something abnormal in an attempt to avoid it?

Do I wallow in the pit of despair and swirl in the whirlpool of self-pity to the point of depression so that I at least feel something? So that I won't just be another 'nobody' maintaining a boring existence until the day comes for me to die..?

God forgive me! Forgive me for thinking normal isn't good enough..

Two Answers..

So..here I am..just as confused as the day I started. The day I started what..this blog..? Yeah, but more than that..the day I started searching for answers. Don't ask me when that was..it's all I can remember. I've never 'not' searched for answers..not that I remember.

But in my infinite list of questions--oh yes, I could sit down and interview God for a week straight if given the opportunity! (although, knowing Him, He'd clear up 10,000 questions in one answer!)--the Lord just answered two..which may also answer many more than just the obvious two.

The first answer is this: If we ever come to the end of our list of questions..if there's ever a point where there's nothing left to ask..well, that's a dangerous place to be! As much as I need answers..as much as I crave understanding of truth and knowledge of God and His ways..I also pray I'm never satisfied! For if I were satisfied it would mean that I'd reached the end. It would mean I'd conquered all things. It would mean I'd figured out God and His infinite wisdom...and if I ever got there, He would not be God!
One of my very favorite quotes is this: "If God were small enough to be understood, He would not be big enough to be worshiped" and I would have it no other way! So my insatiable thirst for answers brings with each one a new set of questions..and they will never end because God is God and I will never be.

The second is partly an answer, and carries with it a bag full of questions that would drag down Santa's sleigh.
In the dvd in last night's Bible study, Beth Moore talked about "Reversal of Destiny"...she spoke about when she was pre-school age, she was running and tripped on a rug. Her open mouth landed smack on the edge of a coffee table, and her little baby teeth were jammed up into her gums. She said it wasn't pretty to have those teeth turn black and fall out, but what came next was devastating. Her permanent teeth grew straight forward. She laughed, saying that they were beyond buck teeth to the point you could "set your food on them and eat it later!" A timid child who'd been sexually abused already by this point, she never uncovered her mouth when she spoke. She showed a school picture, which is the only photo of her during that time and which her grandmother had saved from the trash. It was difficult to see the severity of her infirmity, to me the photo was of a beautiful little girl. She said she remembers how sore her face got from practicing holding her mouth closed over her teeth. She recalled the day that those photos were delivered in the classroom, and the teacher placed them 'cellophane side up' on the desk. And the other children teased her and made fun of her for those pictures. So when she got home, she tore them up and threw them away.

She brought the point home by saying "I was so ashamed by my mouth..I always kept it covered..now I never shut up!" God took her biggest shame, the source of ridicule and humiliation...and He turned it to be used for His glory! (For anyone who doesn't know-She's written and recorded 13 Bible studies to date, and teaches Sunday school and Bible classes in her church, has a weekly radio show, and speaks at Women of Faith and other conferences..she's well known and well loved by thousands, if not millions, of women!)

This answers a lot of questions and hurts for me. It brings many more questions too. But it gives me hope..hope that the wounds of my childhood (and on into my adult life!) can be reversed by the Most High..in His infinite wisdom and grace He can take hold of the very things that have paralyzed me with shame and unworthiness...and He can remake them. This is huge to me!

Remember Who You Are

We always say, "Cheer up! Remember who you are to God!" when one feels down and insecure..

In my Bible study today, Beth Moore made a point that struck me..We also need to remember who we are before God when we're up! We can get so full of ourselves and so filled with pride that we elevate ourselves to levels of awesomeness that we do not deserve.

So there's my thought for the day..Remember who you are before God.

When we're down and feeling like life's hardly worth living, we must remember that Christ loved us enough to come to earth, minister to our physical and spiritual needs, face betrayal and beating--a series of beatings so severe that they would have killed a lesser man, then carry His own cross up the Hill of the Skull and be humiliated and murdered to save us from hell! He wasn't forced..not even after they caught Him and locked Him up! He chose to take every single one of those lashes..He chose to put one foot in front of the other..all the way up the hill, knowing His destiny when He reached the top..and He gave, and gave, and gave until He released His final breath. Then He overcame death, and rose to life..to save YOU!

And when you're up and feeling like you got it all..Life's good, and you're good, and God's on your side..you got most of the answers and you're doing great! Money's flowing, you've got respect, people admire you, and when you say 'do' they do or 'go' they go...Remember who you are before God. He is sovereign and mighty, He is holy and just. His ways are higher and His thoughts are far above yours..and as soon as you think you're grasping His wisdom, you are in a dangerous place.

Remember who you are before God..He created you and gives more to you than you ever will know in this earth..and at the same time, He is the Most High, worthy of our humble reverence.

Livin' Life on Purpose..

It's come to my attention that I need to re-evaluate my life patterns and the path it's taking..we finally did that with our church, and have found one we think is the right one for us.

But today I feel like it needs to go even farther than that..I'm talkin' even to what kind of groceries we buy! I've become so disgusted by the junk that fills our shopping cart and perpetually clutters the pantry..My office is a disaster, and our finances are in shambles..we're simply 'existing' and we're becoming victims of our circumstances rather than 'living' and doing so with goals and a purpose!

So..after Googling 'How to Live Life' I found a line that made a lotta sense to me.

"There is a big difference between living and merely existing.."

We need to begin to live rather than just exist..and I started this blog so that I could learn from you about how you do that. Financially, Spiritually, in Family Life, Marriage, and Personally..
Either no one taught me, or I never listened..but somehow, my way isn't working as well as I thought it would..so....HELP!!