Random to Revelation

11:14pm. ..
Been up since 5:30, but somehow feel...hmm..what is it...? Tired but not sleepy..full of questions, but at the same time feeling sure of something..

I don't expect anyone to care about this...I can hardly write for an audience, so I just write to clear my own thoughts..kind of like I used to do in my journal..only with a touch of propriety, knowing that someone may read.

I don't get teenagers. I always thought I would. I thought I'd be a good parent of teenagers because I wasn't a good mother of little children..now my little one is the easy one, and my big ones are complicated as a frickin' Rubik's cube..and there's no YouTube video to give me the answers..On one hand, I know they're just trying to become their own person. But on the other...well, do I have to take the disrespect and rudeness? I keep trying to figure out how to establish consequences that will teach a certain lesson or foster a moral foundation for them to base life's decisions on. But I seem to be failing..

In a way, I have to leave the real growth to the Lord..but when do I know that I've done my best and it's time to leave the result between them and God..? It seems like, when I've done what I know to do, I always could do a little more...

I was convicted in church today. I love when that happens. Not because I like pain..well, just as I write that it's coming to me that I might actually thrive on pain. We'll come back to that. I like when that happens because I know I need work..and if the preacher never speaks a word that challenges me to search areas of my life that need repentance, then he can't be preaching the Word of God. I have to trust that God's wisdom is so infinitely beyond my own that I will never cease to need improvement and repentance as long as I live. I will always need to rely on Jesus and His Blood and will never be so mature in faith that I find no more reason to fall before His feet in repentance (hopefully not for the same sin over and over). So when my pastor speaks a word that exposes sin in my life, and when I can hear his heartfelt compassion and love, even as he speaks a hard word..I like it. I know it's good. It brings cleansing and growth..both very necessary and good..so..

Back to the thriving on pain thing..I've always wondered why I'm a tormented soul..I always wish I could live a life of peace and happiness, like many people seem to. They have energy, they go out for coffee with their girlfriends, they go for pedicures (which I've just done for the first time in my life a couple of weeks ago), they go to lunch, shopping, to the park, hiking, running, working out, dates with their husbands (who look at them like they are the most precious gift God ever could have placed in their sight)...on and on I could go. But--and here's where the big "B" word comes in--BUT..I, just this moment, see a pattern..a trend. I can remember no point in my life that I wasn't in deep emotional pain. I have flashes, glimpses of happiness..moments here and there when I had fun as a child or felt the glow of new motherhood. (if any one's reading this, please, PLEASE understand that I'm having a revelation and NOT a pity party!) Do I feel guilty to be happy? When there's so much wretchedness in this world, am I just too guilty to allow myself to experience real and lasting peace? Do I find ways to wound myself emotionally so that I'll never be too carefree to empathize with the ones who are broken and hurting..?

I believe this is true.

And beyond that, I may add another dimension. I learned something a while back about associations..like we have this internal guage or scale or compass, and every single thing that we experience must be processed through that guage. So, a pessimist will take a story and bring out the worst in it..an optimist, the best..maybe a compassionate person will describe how the characters 'feel'..and hear me out for a second..what if, as a small child, I did experience some sadness, fear, and emotional pain? And what if that pain became the guage by which all of my life experiences were processed? Possibly, everything was weighed on a scale that marked it on a subconscious 'pain meter'...Call me crazy, but I do believe I have something here. (or call me stupid because I'm just now 'getting' this..either way I'm getting this!) Maybe..somewhere along the way I got stuck..stuck in a place where "if it doesn't hurt, it isn't real"..

Oh GOD! I believe You've given me something! Now what to do..? Pray..because You will complete the work..Thank You, sweet Jesus..You are better than life!